其实..

Grown up in a problematic family is always gonna affect your life. I don't know if I think too much, but every time when I want to take a step forward I took a step back instead. I don't want to drag others into this kind of situation where they can be so stress dealing with my family issues. I am so fed up with them until, honestly I hate to go home that I would just distance myself far away. I tried to cope with it, tried to trust them but they kept disappoint me. All these commitment make me to think twice before I would like to do anything, end up being so indecisive. Things just don't look right for me if there is no answer, I hate guessing, I don't want risk, I am afraid to end up awkwardly. I thought I can be realistic actually, if you can't love your family how can you keep someone you like feeling loved? If you can't give your family enough financial support how can you expect to offer her a carefree shelter?

tic toc tic toc

roller coaster ride, that's the best word to describe my situation at the moment!

Started off excited with an oversea phone call, getting tired with those long hour travelling, disappointed by the supervisor decision, messed up the transportation home, blessed to receive another chance, mistaken the appointment time, stuck in the traffic and late for the interview, relieved to pass it, scrambling for place to stay, shocked with the medical report, and now waiting anxiously for the YES!

Although it's going to be hard for the HR to accept me with vision deficient written on the med report, I still hoping that maybe the company will be kind enough to hire me as long as I can show them that I am fully competent for the task, or they have another position that I can go for. PRAY HARD =( 

Nevertheless, I would like to thanks my beloved si jie, uncle and aunty for lending me a place to shelter! It's such a warming place to be, the dinner was really delicious, and you guys really make me feel like being at home! I felt sorry for bothering you guys so much yet I got nothing to offer other than sharing my family story which might be annoying. I don't know if I had disrupted you guys since it's valentine plus chap goh mei on the day, I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience caused and once more thank you si jie!!!
❤ you so much~

❤

发泄完，抱怨完，日子还是得过..

放下了，看破了，理应更加付出..

逃过一劫后，真的深深的体会到了什么叫树欲静而风不止，子欲养而亲不在。终于学会心甘情愿的服侍家里的母亲，希望她真的能早日康复，远离病痛。看着她煎熬的样子真的实在不忍心。

感恩

纯粹发泄

每天晚上带着那疲惫的身心，躺在床上，闭上眼睛，脑袋总是残忍的堵住我入睡，直到天亮。烦的是家庭，烦的是事业，烦的是爱情.. 人生中最重要的三件事，全都搞砸了，这就是我...

--何谓家庭--
说实话，我是真的很讨厌这个家。为什么人家的家可以那么温馨，那么幸福，而我的家连最基本的干净都没有? 为什么我只能在吵吵闹闹，事故频频，互相猜疑的环境中成长?

妈，如果你不能够信任爸，不能够当一个称职的老婆，为什么还要嫁给他呢? 到头来搞得乱七八糟，悲剧下场，为的又是什么? 只能说为了结婚而结婚时不会有好下场的

一个家庭出现问题每个人都难辞其咎。爸也有错，他错在过分的迁就，过分的纵容，让你变得更得寸进尺，越来越无理取闹，让我们从小就觉得妈妈永远是对的。真是辛苦你了，爸。我们都知道你其实是一个很好的丈夫，很称职的爸爸，很孝顺的儿子，很虔诚的佛教徒。你这么一个典范都会有如此下场，我自认没办法像你那么伟大，结婚? 还是算了吧..

我知道妈你有病，可是更多的问题是来自于你的性格，你那讨人厌的态度。恐怖的疑心病，懒惰的个性，女王的霸道，过分的自私，痴迷的贪心，不要脸的虚荣心，严重的被害妄想症，一步一步的将你推向精神病的大门。正是因为你的偏心，造就了现在的皇帝弟弟，家里没人能驾驭得了他了。最厉害的武器不是破口大骂，而是无声的抗拒，我真的是他X的不爽他，只可惜无能为力。不幸中的万幸，妹妹竟然因为你的刻薄而更懂事，连我都比不上她这个好女儿。

当然，我这个儿子也有错，错在太过于置身事外。从我发现你总是从人家所说的话里幻想编造出一大堆莫明其妙的故事，我以为只要我少说话你就会少了猜疑的泉源，所以都不随便和你聊天。现在我知道我错了，还错得很离谱。因为这样，我变得很少和家人沟通，兄弟姐妹间有了代沟，才会造就了现在和弟弟的关系。或许我从小就和你多聊天说话，你的病情也不会断断续续的复发了，我也不会像现在这样不懂得和人相处沟通，沉默寡言了。

妈妈对不起，现在我也不期望你会改变那多年的坏习惯了，只希望你现在是平平安安的。新年要到了，去年都没有机会一起吃团圆饭，真的很希望你能回家...

待续